Garden of Gethsemane

I think this site is on this day for a reason. You have been enduring the heat of Israel for several days, you are tired of the Israeli food and you want to throw your hearing set off the side of the Mount of Olives because you are tired of taking notes. It is at your weakest point that you visit the Garden of Gethsemane. The olive trees here are up to 2,000 years old! We visited a church that was built as a tribute to his agony, with a stone they say he sat on to mourn in the garden. Though moving, it wasn't near as moving as when Avner gave us time by ourselves in the garden. I sat under an olive tree, not really knowing what to do or say. I thought for sure that I would be at my strongest point, feeling so overcome with joy that I was at this monumental place. I was quite the opposite. I felt like a mess. A friend being sent home and the drama that ensued had placed a burden on my heart. The hurting of other friends that were effected weighed heavily on me. The night before I had sat in a friend's room and cried harder than I have in a long time. I was in all these faith-building places, but I questioned things more than ever. When things seem so far away, it is easier to disconnect your emotions from them. I decided to get out my notebook and just write. I didn't think about what I was writing-- I just sat under the tree and wrote. Though personal, I will share:

God, why do I feel so weak? I am at the place where I am supposed to feel overcome with joy for what's been done for me, yet fear, doubts and inadequacy take its place. Though it's hard to let down those barriers, thank you for last night. I thank you for tearing down the walls to my stone heart. My heart is hard and my faith is old and I have realized that this week . Thank you for making me vulnerable. I want to be strong. I want to be bold. Help me to be all these things. I don't always know the right things to say but I know that you can read my heart. Thank you for all the other tourists, who without even knowing, have blessed me with their singing. Everyone needs you. We are all reaching out for you. Please, take our hand. Whether we are Americans, Chinese, Jews or Nigerians-- we are all here because we need you. Please give me wisdom all the days of my life. I don't want to rely on myself anymore. I am here. Use me. Forgive me. Love me.

It was a verbal spilling of thoughts, but at that moment that's what I needed. Jesus himself cried out to God in this very garden and I found myself doing the very same thing. I think that it is when we feel like we have it all together that we realize, in actuality, that we don't.

I saw so many wonderful, holy places in Jerusalem but I also witnessed the wickedness of the world and the prowling nature of Satan.